I was the weird kid who loved to organize and clean her room. I can’t recall a single time my parents ever had to tell me to clean my room. Why I didn’t procreate this is beyond me! You see this is how it went. I’d call a friend to come over and play “Hey Tina, you want to come over and help me clean my room?” Who does that?
I remember vividly around the age of 6 my Grandma came to visit and boy did she love her hosiery! She stayed in my room and at first it was ok. Then one day I came into my room and her panty hose were strewn all over my room like it had been toilet papered! I’d had it, that’s it! I packed up her things, placed her suitcases neatly outside of my room and exclaimed to my mom that Grandma could no longer stay with me, she was too messy.
I recall these scenarios and think…that’s not exactly normal childhood behavior and wonder why I was like that.
I’ve come to realize that I grew up too fast. I took hold of the belief in childhood that being joyful and silly was foolishness. Having almost zero memories before the age of seven I asked the Holy spirit to show me who I was then. He showed me a picture of myself as a little 3-year-old dancing joyfully and twirling. As I watched that freedom displayed I saw a wall erect itself between her and my adult self. The Holy spirit spoke to me and said that wall is actually to keep that little girl out. It was representative of a lie that I was believing.
I then flashed forward to my own kids and how my body feels when they are really goofy, messy and childish. Noticing a tension rise in my body at the thought of it. Once again the Holy spirit pointed out in that setting I feel the need to be stern, cold and crack down as to shut it down. My fear was that if I allow it to continue they will become disrespectful, irresponsible and unruly adults. This grieved me. I could see the lie so clearly.
I began to see that lie unravel my world. I could see how locked up my true Joy and playfulness are. As I continued to work through why I feel that way and how it started, my world became clear. Lies lost their grip and I saw my children’s joy as a gift in times of sorrow. A release in times of stress. As their response to a loving playful father who created us to feel this way. To be free.
It was that day my heavenly Father spoke to me about giving way to good. His truth would unravel the lie that silliness is foolishness. His love would free me from locking myself up in fear when things around me seem too messy or playful. God would gently teach me how I could give way to the good. Giving me the ability to see those moments through his untainted glasses. To see my children through those lenses when my flesh rises up to control.
God did not put me in a position of control, the world and sin did that. Control is not the same as responsibility. Life circumstances and hardships made me want to grab tight to what I could control because of a loss of control.
God placed me in a position of inheritance, joy and peace. He gave me permission to rest and trust. I was given courage to acknowledge my shortcomings and pick up his strength when weak. God desires that I not be overwhelmed by this world but rather enveloped by his affection for me.
I sit today and meditate, soak in his truth of who I am and how he feels about me. He says be joyful, be silly, allow yourself to give way to good. Play, work and do all things unto him. Allow his spirit to rest in moments of chaos and give perspective to the silliness around me. To trust in his good work in me and through me.
What do you react to that you wish you could change?
Is there a lie you are believing?
Ask the Holy Spirit to show you where you first believed that lie and confess your belief in it. Then ask Him for the truth.
Determine in your heart not to settle for the comfort of your truth, but instead embrace his FULL truth where peace resides.
Send out your light and your truth; let them lead me; let them bring me to your holy hill and to your dwelling! ~Psalm 43:3